Always at First Read online

  Cody grabs her wrist. "I don't like what you’re doing."

  "I have to, Angel needs to get to Kevin," she whispers sadly.

  "I know baby, but I'm going crazy inside thinking about what can happen to you."

  "I'll be fine. Trust me,” she pleas, placing her palm on his cheek. "I love you so much more for doing all of this."

  Cody turns his face to kiss her palm and stands up, crushing her body to his. They hold each other without talking.

  My tears threaten to come back as I watch their exchange. Lola gives Cody one last kiss before walking away. He stares after her until she walks out of the restaurant, then sits back down and looks at me with resentment in his eyes.

  "I'm sorry. I'm putting everyone through my mess,” I apologize, understanding how much he must hate me right now.

  "You know, I want to say so many things to you, but I won’t. This isn't the right time."

  "Go ahead tell me how you feel right now. You might not get another chance." I offer, knowing I deserve what's coming to me. I sit patiently, waiting for the blow of Cody's words.

  His face hardens and his eyes slants. A look that burns with malice. "Fine, I think you’re a selfish person. You take advantage of the people who care and loves you the most. I hate that my brother can never give up on you because God knows he deserves so much more. You’re a worthless person who doesn't deserve any of us, and I'm so fucking sorry you walked into Lola's life..."

  What he just told me is true, it's all true.

  "After tonight, it will be over. I'm going to Kevin to tell him goodbye for good," I whisper through my tears.

  "Yeah, you make it sound so easy. Like I said, my brother will never give you up."

  "He won't be able to get to me,” I say softly.

  "Whatever you say. Are you ready?"

  "Yes." I shakily stand up.

  Cody stands up and tosses some money on the table as I reach for my money from my wristlet.

  “Hey, I’ve got this…”

  "No," he snarls. "I do."

  I place my money back in my wristlet, not wanting an argument. I follow him out the back door to his car. He gets in and starts the car before I can get myself in. He honks his car horn impatiently as I grab for the door handle, startling me. I close my eyes tightly, and force my emotions down before getting in his car. He peels out before I can close the door.

  Cody drives past the escalade and we both stare wide-eyed at Lola, pressed against the big vehicle with Andres’s face nuzzled in her neck. The tension that rolls off of Cody hits me like big crushing waves. He’s gripping his steering wheel hard enough to break it in two. “If anything happens to her…” he warns dangerously.

  “I’m sorry, Cody. I’m sorry.” There’s nothing I can say to take away the pain I’ve caused him.

  He shakes his head and cracks his neck, ignoring me for the rest of our drive to Kevin. I turn and stare out the window blankly, not paying attention to where we’re going.

  The car slows to a stop and Cody shifts to park.

  We’re at a hospital.

  A fire of panic burns up my body and I rush out of the car, running to the entrance. Cody matches my pace and roughly grabs me as we go through the double sliding doors. He drags me to the elevator and punches the UP button. The elevator arrives and Cody rushes me inside. He doesn’t let me go as he punches for Kevin’s floor.

  I watch the lights to the floor light up one by one, then I pull my arm back from Cody and run out of the elevator before the doors can open all the way.

  I need to get to Kevin.

  As I run down the hallway, all I can see is a blur of things and people.

  "Cody, stop her before she hurts herself!” I hear Natalie's voice.

  I abruptly stop, knocking into someone coming towards me.

  "Hey, snap out of it." Cody catches me and buries my tiny frame in his arms and chest. "I shouldn't have told you what I told you earlier...I was out of line."

  My body goes limp as Cody lifts me up, carrying me to Kevin's room. When he sets me down, it takes me a moment to recognize Kevin.

  My Kevin.

  His face is swollen and bruised. There are wires attached to his chest and an IV hooked into the back of one of his hands. I sit on the chair next to his bed, and lift his other hand to palm my cheek and lean into it.

  “I love you, my love,” I whisper and angle my head to kiss all of his fingers before putting his palm back to my cheek. "I loved you before I knew you were real, even before I knew who you were. I will love you now and forever....please, Kevin. Please."

  Kevin's fingers lightly tap my face.

  Oh my God!

  My eyes shoot to his. His eyes are open and he’s squinting at me in disbelief. “You’re here,” he says weakly, smiling.

  “I’m here,” I murmur, smiling back. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like I got hit by a bus.” He laughs and his face scrunches up in pain.

  My eyes dart over him in worry and I frown. “Don’t strain yourself,” I scowl.

  “You do love me.” His lips tug up in the corner and break into his crooked grin.

  “Yes, I do.” I caress his face tenderly.

  He closes his eyes and leans into my touch. “Don’t leave me again,” he begs, his heartache on display.

  “Oh, Kevin,” I say softly, my tears falling onto him.

  He drifts off to sleep and the memories of us in his car, the night I chose my pills over him, comes flooding back. I’m going to do it again. I’m going to leave him again and this time, I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.

  I remove my hand from his face and gently set his hand back down beside him. I stand up slowly, not taking my eyes off of him, but when I turn to leave my phone rings, stopping me. I glance up to see Cody charging into Kevin’s room and he snatches my wristlet from me.

  Kevin startles and opens his eyes. I curse my phone for waking him up. I quickly bend forward and chastely kiss his lips. "Kevin, remember our time together on the beach? I owe you a date." I straighten up, wiping my tears as I walk out the door. He softly calls after me, but I ignore him and shove down the ache forming in my heart.

  I follow Cody who’s walking down the hall with my phone to his ear. "Hello, baby. Where are you?” Cody says into the phone and pauses before he growls. “Don't you fucking dare hurt her… what?"

  "What's going on, Cody?"

  "They're here at the main entrance of the hospital...I have to go." He brushes by me to the door that leads to the stairs.

  "Wait! You can't go out there!” I scream in panic, running to him. “Natalie, stop him!"

  Natalie stops Cody from yanking the door open.

  "Please don't go out there. Please..." I beg, grabbing for both of them. "Lola is safe. I'll send her up once I get to them."

  Please, don’t go out there. I’m afraid for you.

  "Cody, let Angel deal with this. We should get back. Mom and dad are coming any minute,” Natalie says to him after seeing my panic stricken face.

  "Fine," he says, sounding defeated and letting Natalie drag him back to Kevin.

  I watch them walk away before heading towards the elevator. I spot Andres as I walk out of the hospital. Lola is standing close to him. Her curly hair is more wild than usual, and her permanently glossed lips are dry and swollen.

  Andres doesn't look one bit annoyed.

  Holy fuck. What happened?

  Lola moves toward me, but Andres grabs the back of her dress and steps forward, whispering in her ear.

  The scared, wide-eyed look she had earlier ceases to exists. Now she just seems numb to him. Lola lifts her shoulder when he tickles her with his chin, still no emotions on her face.

  The fuck?

  Andres lets her go and she walks to me. “I'll explain later," she whispers as she walks past me.

  I beeline for Andres. "Care to explain?" I ask.

  “No. Get in the fucking car." He opens the door for me.

  "Andres
if you forced my friend to do something she didn't want..."

  "Get in the fucking car if you want to beat Boss to the house."

  Oh no! I climb in.

  "Drive fast,” he tells Vinny.

  When we get inside the house, we find Roman sitting in his armchair in the family room. His face is stoic, but his eyes burn with anger. He waits for us to go to him. We do, waiting for his command. He slips his watch off his wrist, setting it down on the armrest of the chair.

  “Explain yourself, Andres,” he rumbles, his temper striking the still air around us, causing ripples of fear to bounce between us all. He was devoid of any compassion. I drop onto his lap in an attempt to take him away.

  "I'm exhausted, please take me to bed," I say softly in his ear, feeling his hard, rigid body against me. I wrap my arms around him and rest my head onto his shoulder.

  It takes him a moment, but his hand rubs up and down my back. "We'll continue this later," he tells Andres and Vinny.

  They leave.

  I'm alone with Roman.

  He stands and gathers me up into his arms, carrying me up the stairs into our room. He lies me down gently, but his anger still seeps out from him through his hands, chilling me. He turns to leave.

  "Don't go.” I fear for Andres and Vinny. "Please, don't go. Today is all my fault. I wanted to get out of the house, so I manipulated them to take me." I try again to stop him from leaving. "Please."

  "Everything I do is to protect you and our child." He faces me again, gazing into my eyes.

  I sit up, swing my legs off the bed and go to him. I take off his suit jacket, unknot his tie and slowly slide it off of him. When I start to unbutton his shirt, he grasps my wrist in a vice grip.

  "Do you know how much you exhaust me?" he asks, his dark orbs flickering with exhaustion.

  "Yes," I admit. I understand because he does the same to me.

  He lets my wrist go and lifts me up and carrying me back to the bed. He lies me back down, then finishes taking off his clothes. When he's done, he gets into bed, pulling me to him and wrapping me in his arms.

  "Sleep, baby. We have a very big day tomorrow," he murmurs against my hair.

  We both fall asleep, his words holding true to how big our day would become.

  Present

  This is really happening. I'm going to have to face the family that gave up on me. A family that never showed me how it felt to be loved unconditionally. I took every jab, every insult thrown at me, and I stayed strong until the end when I realized I was nothing to them.

  Life became unlivable.

  And I did the unthinkable...

  I tried to end my life.

  It was my last attempt to get them to love me, and it didn't work.

  "Hey," Roman's strong hand find my waist, pulling me to his side. "You don't look well, how are you feeling?"

  I glance away from the familiar doorsteps to look into Roman's eyes.

  "I...I don't feel good,” I lie, but it is sort of true. My heart is clenching, making it hard for me to breathe.

  "Let's get you inside. I'll take you to lie down and while you nap, I'll get to know your family."

  "And they agreed to meet us...you?"

  “Yes, they did." He gives me a curious look.

  Roman walks a little faster and within seconds we are knocking on the front door. My sister opens it, pauses for a second, then rushes me. Her hug is fierce and unyielding. I feel her soaking up my shirt with her tears.

  "I'm sorry, I’m so sorry. If I can turn back time..." she sobs.

  I'm beyond speechless and numb to her affection.

  "Is it possible to find a room for Angel to take a nap in? She's not feeling well,” Roman asks. He's so polite and it’s so damn unnerving.

  "Yes," my sister whispers. "I'll take her to her room."

  My room...

  Tears pool in my eyes but I refused to let then spill. I will be strong. I won't let them affect me anymore.

  My sister leads me away from Roman and I will myself not to panic. She’s quiet, so unlike her. She opens my door and we both walk in. She gives me a small smile and leaves me alone to welcome old memories that come back with a vengeance.

  No. Please, no. Not now.

  I charge to my walk-in closet, but my knees give out and I collapse.

  God, it feels good to just lie here.

  I wrap my arms around myself and give into what used to be my therapy. Being alone, surrounded with the things that never judged who I was. Clothes and fashion were my salvation until my magic pills took over. I kept up with the latest style and I filled my empty existence with clothes. The materials that covered my body also covered the pain I was carrying. A great outfit always hid my bad days, giving people the illusion I was put together.

  God, I miss home. I miss my closet.

  My eyes wander; everything is exactly where I left it.

  Why? Why is all my stuff still here? Why did they keep my room as if they were waiting for me to come back?

  I hug myself and stare at each of my favorite pieces of clothing, my eyes landing on my long emerald colored dress. I smile and close my eyes in hopes of falling into a fantasy world that stars Kevin, my hero.

  I drift off to sleep...

  *

  My eyes flutters open to an overpowering sense of loss. A sorrowful ache, so great, navigates like a slow flowing river out of my heart and into the blood in my veins, paralyzing every limp in my body. I stare up to the ceiling of my walk-in closet, blind with tears in my eyes as my mind completes itself into a numbing state. I become just a shell of a person who's future will be haunted with deep grief and unceasing heartache.

  I close my eyes again to somehow take myself away, gradually slipping into unconsciousness.

  “No," Roman's tormenting plea slices through me. He lifts me up and cradles me in his arms, and I bury my head in his chest.

  "Oh, Angel, my sweet, sweet Angel,” he murmurs, his voice cracking and we move at full speed out of my mom's house. The events that come after blend with images of the cold hospital and the moving shadows of people.

  Roman stays by my side, answering questions when needed, holding me when he senses I’m drowning and making me feel safe.

  The last coherent sentence I hear will be forever burned in my mind. “Her miscarriage might have been from high levels of corticotropin-releasing hormone found in her bloodstream. But sometimes miscarriages just happen…”

  I drift away to my lonely place of sorrow.

  Present

  I can't bear to look at her anymore.

  Her selfish ways took my child away from me, condemning my legacy, a world I've brutally killed for in hopes of having my first born become the leader of my empire.

  Never once has she appreciated what I'd give her. I was willing to yield to her, to let her have a say to how my life should be run.

  My time is too valuable to deal with bullshit.

  And that is all she has given me.

  "Would you like me to prescribe some sleeping aide for her?" the doctor asks.

  I tug her head back from my chest with her hair and stare into her frightened eyes, the same ones I stare into, when I'm punishing my enemy. They all wear the same eyes.

  “Yes," I answer. The doctor nods and walk off.

  I push her head back into my chest. She starts her crying again, and my blood boils at the sounds of her wails. If she had let me take care of her, this would never have happened. My child would still be here, growing.

  I should hurt her as badly as she deserves, but she has wedged herself into a part of me that I've buried for the sake of staying alive, a part of the body that weakens the human race.

  A nurse walks into the room with Angel's sleeping pills and hands the tiny plastic cup to me. I tug Angel's head back again and remove myself from her grasp to pour some water into a cup for her.

  "Open your mouth," I order. She does what I ask of her.

  I drop the pills into her mouth, then hold t
he cup of water to her lips and pour, tilting her head back. She swallows and a vision of her choking flashes through my mind.

  I'm a monster.

  These thoughts come easily.

  I place everything on her table and push her back onto the bed. "Sleep, Angel.” I cover her with the sheets.

  She cries and cries until the pills takes effect. I walk out of her room with no intention of coming back; my dark mind is consumed with having her pay for what she's done.

  But I do come back to her.

  I walk into the room expecting her to still be asleep, but she’s awake and waiting for me.

  She's suffering.

  It's time I free her.

  Present

  I drift back to reality, staring blankly around an empty room. I close my eyes again to drum down the creeping sense of panic from Roman’s absence.

  I feel infinitely alone.

  He walks back into the room, and when our eyes catch each other, our relationship flashes before us. With all we've been through, I was still someone special to him and maybe that was the reason why I never got the courage to leave. He always made me feel wanted, so very much.

  His eyes shift from adoration for me to something completely different, somewhat lifeless.

  He takes a seat in the chair next to my bed and takes my hand into his. "Angel, I'm sorry," Roman whispers sadly. He holds me and comforts me, but there's no more warmth; we are now cold together.

  He no longer wants me.

  He's here to say goodbye.

  "Don't, Roman. Please don't leave me right now," I beg, fiercely clenching onto him.

  He gently pries me off of him and smooths my hair away from my face before he tenderly kisses my forehead and walks out the door.

  He’s gone.

  A figure moves into the room and takes a seat near my bed—my mom. I blink, not trusting my eyes and blink again. She's here.

  "Baby, I wish I could take your pain away," she whispers, her voice cracking. "Before you were born, I suffered a terrible loss that I still carry this very day. I never got the help I needed…your dad was supposed to be there for me, but he was suffering too, so he did what he needed to do to help himself heal. He left."