Always at First Read online

  She shakes her head. “Every time my soul crushing pain came back, I would panic and push it onto you. I wanted you to feel everything I was going through. I hated you the instant I found out I was pregnant, I didn't want another baby, but at the same time I had a deep longing for your dad's love and I hoped you would bring him back to me. You did, but not how I wanted you too." She closes her eyes, fighting with everything she has to stop from crying.

  "Mom, I understood. I knew the hurt and pain you were carrying, but I just wished you’d loved me….I want you in my life now. Maybe we can teach other to heal." I take her hand and squeeze.

  She smiles, and a dim light of hope flashes in her sad eyes. "I want nothing more,” she says, squeezing my hands too.

  Present

  When you wake up from a life threatening induced coma, you hope and wish the love of your life is right by you, welcoming you back. That's how it should be. But the person staring back at me isn't Angel.

  Every part of me is tender and dull, black and purple bruises showing the pain I'm in. With just a soft touch, I cry in agony, but nothing is touching my heart, it's protected by my rib cage, free of any damages, but the unseen pain is far greater. My tired heart wants to stop beating and end all suffering. I can't live without her.

  "You're back," Nat says sadly.

  “Nat, stop looking at me like that," I rasp, glancing away from her. For the first time since I’ve opened my eyes, I notice my family who are surrounding my bedside, each one of them wearing an equal expression of happiness and sadness combined.

  I close my eyes to bring my peace of solitary back. Life was so calm when I slept, but the moment my eyes opened I was welcomed back to chaos.

  "Can everyone leave? I need some time to myself,” I ask without opening my eyes.

  "Kevin, we all love you very much. Please don't make us leave,” I hear my mom say as I drift back to sleep.

  My heart begins to thaw, surrendering to the weight of never being enough for Angel.

  Present ~ 5 months later ...

  When I go to the depths of losing my mind, my only saving grace is Kevin. I stay in bed for most of my days, in hope that I will sail into miraculous dreams with him. The days when my crushing grief assails my numbing state, I think about him constantly, longing for his caring, undying love, wishing he would come back to me.

  When my darkest days vow to drag me under, my mom comes into my room and sit on the bed near me. She smooths my hair over my head, her touch conveying our deepest sympathy, our shared sorrows.

  "Baby, I booked you a flight to Minneapolis.” She smiles sadly, smoothing my hair again. "What your heart needs right now is over there, waiting for you. He needs you as much as you need him."

  "I can't," I rasp. "He shouldn't want me after all I put him through. He deserves so

  much more than who I am."

  "No, baby. Don't punish him and yourself more than you already have. He deserves to have you by his side, as much as you deserve to have him by your side." She looks ahead, her regrets flashes onto her features.

  "Mom," I whisper. "If you knew dad didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved, why did you stay?"

  A tear trickles down her cheek and she wipes it away slowly. Without turning back to me, she answers. "I stayed hoping that he would grow to love me.”

  I scoot up and hug her around her waist, resting my head on her, understanding her completely. We both fade into a reverie of our own tumultuous relationships. My addictive hunger for Roman clings to me, surviving, wanting to never let me go. But I will never go back to him. He left, vanishing out of my life when I needed him the most.

  She takes a deep breath. "“Roman wasn’t right for you, Angel. The good parts of him were buried too deep under all of his demons and I was afraid he was going to destroy your soul. He wasn’t capable of giving you the right kind of love. When you didn't return any of my calls, I hired a PI to find you and have you followed. Roman found out what I was doing, and he wasn't happy. He knew about our history and he was going to take you away from me forever. I had to lie to get him to bring you home."

  She rests her head on mine. "He stopped Greg from getting anywhere near you."

  My heart pounds erratically in my chest. "What did he do to Uncle Greg?"

  "Nothing, Greg stayed away to keep the both of you safe. I believe he's with Kevin right now."

  My chest squeezes when I hear Kevin's name and I tighten my arms around my mom. Hot, burning anger boils in my gut, and my fist clenches around my mom's shirt. She holds me until my crying subsides and exhaustion takes over my body. I lie back on the bed and my mom tucks me under the covers and kisses my forehead, reminding me of Roman. All of his sweet tender moments and how he always made me feel so very wanted, wholly commanding my mind, consuming all of my feels, leaving no more room for me to be reminded of my hurt.

  I never felt alone.

  My mom stays by my side on the bed, making sure I peacefully fall asleep, afraid that my grief will slip around me and take me to where life on earth didn't exist anymore.

  Present ~ 1 month later ...

  I step into Kevin's apartment building, unsure of myself. The familiar modern decor causes the butterflies in my chest to spread their wings and flap. I beam with bright eyes as I look around, taking in my surroundings. Those colors belong to memories of untainted and joyous time of my life, all starring Kevin.

  The man who captivated my heart.

  My hand presses onto my chest, trying to still the butterflies as I greet the front desk person. "Is Mr. Hawken in his apartment? I want to surprise him."

  "May I ask who you are?"

  The girl who crushed his heart and broke his soul.

  "Angel Mabbott, a good friend of his,” I answer.

  His eyes shine with recognition. "Ah, Mr. Hawken left instruction for you to have access to both his penthouse and cars.” He smiles. "All I need is to see your ID."

  I try to keep my hand steady as I dig into my wristlet for my driver's license. A warmth spreads through me and happiness blooms throughout my body. He still wants me.

  I hand over my driver's license, a token to a future I’ve only dreamed about.

  He glances over my card, then reaches under the counter and brings up an extra key. He hands both to me. "Here you go.” He smiles again. "He should be home."

  "Thank you," I whisper unevenly, taking both items from him as tears threaten to appear.

  I walk to the elevator in a fog like state and step into it, riding to Kevin's floor. I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans and try to calm my nerves before knocking on his door.

  Kevin opens the door with just basketball shorts on. There’s sweat glistening on every inch of his exposed naked skin, and my breath hitches up a notch.

  Oh my…

  He doesn’t hesitate to grab and haul me to him, spinning me around. “This is a dream,” he whispers. “I’m dreaming.”

  I wrap my legs around his waist and bite his shoulder, showing him that I’m real. He instantly hardens against me and I smile slyly, unwrapping my legs around him and forcing him to set me down.

  “Let me show you how real I am,” I say and frantically try to remove my clothes, but Kevin hauls me back to him, letting his rock hard body fight against me.

  “You’re here,” he murmurs with a shaky voice.

  “Yes,” I breathe and shove down his shorts before whispering. “I need you.”

  Kevin gets the hint and rips all of my clothes off of me and tangles me back into his arms, lifting me up and carrying me through the foyer. My hands grip his hair, yanking and pulling as I crush my lips onto his.

  His hands are flush on my ass, pressing me hard against his cock. He groans and stops, setting me down onto the kitchen island and spreading my legs. He rubs up and down my thigh, taking in the sight of me.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, meeting my eyes. “Especially when you’re like this, your body screaming for me to take you, to make you mine.
There are no words to describe how fucking good you look right now.” He grips my thighs harder and leans in, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. When he lets go, he grazes his tongue across my lips, then devours me with a kiss that epitomize the beauty of his soul, stealing me with this one kiss. My heart became his long ago, but now my mind, body and soul are captured by this extraordinary man.

  He breaks away to stare longingly at me again, then comes back and kisses me with soft, tender pecks all over my body, traveling down to where I want him the most.

  The moment his tongue slides over my clit I scream out, wanting so much more of him. He stands up and lies me down onto the cold granite, sliding me down until I’m at the edge.

  “Ready?” He smirks, that crooked grin of his fully on display.

  “Kevin,” I warn breathlessly, lifting my head to catch his hooded hazel eyes.

  “Shhh,” he whispers and rubs his palms down the inside of my thigh, quieting all the words that want to be spoken.

  He spreads my legs again, wider this time, and bends until his tongue is back on me. He twirls up and down and all around me, pressing roughly until he gets to my opening. He pulls back and softly kisses both of my thighs, teasing me.

  I fist my hand into his hair and bring him back to where I need him the most. He chuckles before obeying my needs and his tongue delves into me without warning and I arch my back, uncontrollable.

  “Oh my God,” I gasp.

  He curves his tongue up and rubs, hitting my g-spot, and I completely lose my mind. The erotic pleasures take over and I climb to heavens of bliss.

  He reads my body and the whimpers of need from me, like the melody of a song. He’s rough with his mouth and tongue when I want him to be, and gentle where I need it most.

  “I want you to come in my mouth,” he breathes and slides his tongue back in, twirling in a circular motion.

  I scream and pant, my hands clenching his shoulders as an earth-shattering orgasm takes over. My legs tremble, still spread wide by Kevin’s hands as my body shakes and clenches.

  Kevin slides his tongue out of me and opens his mouth, cupping my pussy. The feel of his hot breath sends me back to cloud nine. He pulls back and sucks my clit gently until I come down from the meadows of orgasmic high.

  “Fuck,” he groans, then stands back up, staring at me with blazing hazel eyes. I can see the doubt dancing in them.

  “Come here,” I whisper and reach for him, bringing him to me until his lips hover over mine. I suck in a breath, taking his air into my lungs to somehow brand every part of him to me.

  I want to say so much, to take all of his doubts away, but he leans in, giving me a heart-stopping kiss, releasing his doubts.

  Joyful tears stream down my face. He breaks away from me and lifts me up, eyes still lock with mine. I wrap my legs around him and he carries me into his room. Setting me down when his back is to his armchair. He sits and slouches back, legs wide apart, enough room for me to step in between.

  When his thigh touches my legs, he grabs both of my arms roughly and I fall forward, my breast smashing onto his chest. As he locks his smoldering eyes with mine, he slides his hand down my lower back and a finger glides into the crease of my ass down to my pussy. I gasp as he pushes inside of me and slides out again. His hand rubs my clit and back, spreading my wetness.

  His other hand moves to my hair, gathering it into his fist, and he yanks my head back and sucks on my chin, his tongue grazing my skin. When he captures my lips, kissing me with no abandonment, he pushes two fingers inside of me and my belly tightens with delicious pleasure. I moan and whimper into his mouth.

  He tugs my hair back and our lips break apart. "Tonight, it's not about you. Tonight, you’ll surrender your body to me. You will only come when I say you can. Now get on your knees. I want your mouth around my dick."

  He lets me go and I place both palms on his chest and push myself up. I move down his body, my hands traveling with me until I'm gripping his thigh. I stare at his mammoth package, and drooling ever so slightly, I wet my lips. It twitches, wanting me.

  "I want you too," I whisper before I flick my tongue and lick his slick, swollen tip. He groans and moves my hair away from my face. "I want to see you take it," he murmurs as our eyes meet again, his face alive with hunger and desire.

  The need to pleasure him takes over my body as I wrap my lips around his cock and suck, sliding down until I brush against his balls.

  "Shit," he hisses and whispers softly. "Where's your gag reflex?"

  I grip his shaft and pull away. I stroke my hand back and forth…

  Up and down…

  Up and down…

  Over and over before taking him in my mouth again.

  I hear him suck in a breath and my need to pleasure him deepens. I pump faster around his erection with my mouth, only using my hands to stroke him when I stop to lick and suck around the tip of his cock.

  "Stop," he growls.

  I pause, meeting his eyes again. I'm wetter than I've ever been in my life. I want this man and if I die making love to him, I'll go peacefully and content.

  "I love you so much," I whisper with tears in my eyes as I stare into his.

  "I love you too, baby," he whispers back. As his words leave his lips, they coat all around my heart, healing me. I will never hurt again.

  I stand up and take his hand, leading him to the bed. I let his hand go once we're near and I lie with my legs spread, begging him to make love to me.

  His eyes fall all over my body, adoringly. My lips quiver and my heart swells, falling more in love with him.

  "Come here," I urge ever so softly.

  He comes to me, spreading my legs further with his body. His hand rubs on my opening and up to my clit, coating me again with my wetness. His hand leaves me, taking my legs and wrapping them around his waist. He moves his hands to grip my hips and looks down once more at my most intimate place and groan. He licks his lips before he thrusts inside of me, and I cry out, locking our eyes together. He pulls out and slam back in. My body tightens and trembles with explosive sensual pleasure as he moves hard and fast, taking me, branding me, making me his.

  As I clench around him, nearing my climax, he groans and pumps faster. I grab my breast, massaging and kneading my nipples as we come together, becoming one.

  His skin is flush with the afterglow of his orgasm and sweat glistens along his hairline. He let's go of my hips and lean forward, crushing his body onto mine with his forearm on either side of my face, and the art on his arms perfectly in my view. I press my hand against his heart, feeling the rapid beating of his beautiful existence.

  “You've always had my heart. I'm sorry I gave you the chance to think otherwise." I take my hand off his chest and tenderly graze the tattoo he got to remind him of me. My fingers linger on the bleeding heart as the tears trickle, falling onto his skin.

  He drops his head, pressing and rubbing our forehead together. I see the conflicting pain cross his face before he whispers. "I got it the day I walked away from you at the country club. I wanted to remind myself what I did to you. I didn't want to forgive myself for how much I’d hurt you."

  The tears that flow are now his.

  "Oh, baby." I pull him flush to me and squeeze my arms around him. “I love you so much.”

  He rolls onto his side and break away from me. He caresses my cheek with a finger and tucks the stray hairs behind my ear. He leans in and chastely kisses the tip of my nose.

  “I will never hurt you again,” he whispers. “You will always come first.”

  I stare back in awe at the amazing man in front of me. His eyes are filled with a contentment and love that was never there before, and now those emotions are spilling out, onto every angle of his beautiful features.

  He smiles and taps my chin with his index finger. "What are you thinking of?"

  "You." I smile back, sadly and whisper. “We have so much to talk about…”

  “Shh…baby, later,” he murmurs. “We h
ave the rest of forever to talk about the tough stuff. Right now, I just want to enjoy you.”

  "Okay,” I agree, silently thanking him. I’m not ready to tell him about my baby, and selfishly, my heart isn’t ready to hear about the hurt I’ve branded into his heart.

  He gathers me into his arms and lifts me onto him as he rolls onto his back. "We will start fresh from here. I love you too much to let our past come between us," he promises, tilting his head to try and catch my gaze.

  My eyes close. I can’t take any more of this man with his wondrous, beautiful soul. I will never be worthy of him.

  “Open your eyes and look at me,” he commands gently.

  I don’t. “You will always be first from this day forward and forever.”

  With my eyes still closed, I sense his warm smile. "You will always be first for me too," he promises again, rubbing my forehead with his to force me to open my eyes.

  When I still refuse, he rolls us until I'm on the bottom, then pins my arms above my head. I tighten my closed eyes and giggle.

  "If you don't open your eyes..." he warns as he chuckles.

  "I won't be first anymore?" I pout, opening my eyes.

  He smirks at my response, and the love he has for me spills around us, capturing me.

  "You will always be first, Pink. Always," he promises and kisses me, sealing all the broken parts of me.

  1 year later

  Angel is finally mine.

  All mine.

  I glance at her from the kitchen as I prepare dinner—homemade pizza and my own special sauce for chicken wings as she studies on the couch, her face buried in her textbook.

  "Babe, you want extra pepperoni?" I ask, popping some into my mouth.

  She lifts her head and grins. "Yes, please."

  Since the day she showed up here out of the blue, she's been laughing more, smiling more and finally enjoying life, but I’d be lying if I told you after that day it was all sunshine and roses and we put the past behind us.