Always at First Read online

  He falls back on top of me, then rolls over, taking me with him until I’m the one on top. I straddle his body, resting my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me close.

  “Angel…”

  I drift into a deep slumber, whispering Kevin’s name.

  Past ~ 18 years old

  Daniel stops the car in front of his house that he shares with his real family, a family I will never be a part of.

  “Son, my home will always be your home. Don’t you forget, okay?” He pats my shoulder.

  “You know, there was a time when you lied to me for nearly a decade,” I mutter.

  “You are my son in every sense of the word,” he counters sincerely.

  I shake my head. “Stop, just stop. Don’t do this anymore. You’re not my father and you will never be.”

  “Yes, I’ll always be your father because I was there for you. I didn’t leave you to fend for yourself.”

  “Thanks for reminding me that I was never wanted by my own father,” I mutter, turning to look out my window. His words hurt like hell.

  “Kevin, you are my son, and I will give you an amazing future.”

  “Let’s just get inside. I’m dead fucking tired,” I snap.

  Daniel moves to open his door, but I stop him with a question that’s been probing my mind.

  “Do your wife and kids know I’m going to be living here?”

  “We…I’ll sit them down now while you settle in your room.” He turns back to give me a small reassuring smile.

  Damn.

  He’s going to ambush them. They don’t even know I’m coming. I need to stop this before it gets too far. “Daniel, I’m forever grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but please don’t do this. Your family doesn’t even know about me, and I’m pretty sure they never knew, so let’s call this a day and I’ll get a hotel room for the time being until I can find myself an apartment.

  He sighs. “I’m not going to force you into an uncomfortable situation. We’ll find you a nice place, but remember you are always welcome here.”

  He sounds like a fucking broken record.

  “Sure,” I sigh.

  Daniel shakes his head and looks past me out my window. “That’s Angel, my baby girl,” he nods in her direction.

  I turn to look. She’s wiping tears away from her eyes and walking swiftly to her car, her heels clicking loudly.

  “She’s gotten into an argument with her mom again.”

  With everything I’ve endured with my mom, I sympathize with her. The pain she’s wearing is so evident on her face, like the pain I wear inside of me that will never go away.

  We both watch Angel speed of in her car.

  “Let’s get you a hotel room for the night, and tomorrow we’ll go search for an apartment for you,” he tells me, breaking me away from my intense stare.

  “Yeah, okay.”

  Daniel starts the ignition and tells his car to call his daughter. She picks up, hiccupping through her hello. “Hey, sweetheart, where are you headed to?”

  “I-I…d-don’t…know.”

  “Wanna meet somewhere to talk?”

  “S-sure.” I can hear her crying softly.

  “Okay, meet me at the Hyatt. I’m going there now.” He hangs up without waiting for her reply.

  “Daniel, I can’t afford the Hyatt. That’s not where you’re taking me, right?” I’m trying to keep my anger in check.

  “Kevin…” He says my name slowly as if he’s trying to control his anger, as well. “I don’t have time to argue with you. My daughter needs me. I’m taking you there. Your room will be my responsibility.”

  “Yes, of course, I’m so sorry for being such a burden…” I start, then feeling like a complete jerk, I change my tune. “Fuck, I’m sorry…you should be there for her. I’m being a dick and I shouldn’t be.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Son.” Daniel pulls up to the hotel.

  My mind leaves our conversations and focuses on the beautiful girl walking towards us.

  “I’ll meet you in the lobby,” I tell him in a hurry.

  I leave before she reaches the car.

  The next time I see her is six months later at her seventeenth birthday party. Her long, dark-brown hair frames her beautiful face as she leans over to blow out her candles.

  I needed to see her; she was all I could think about, so when Daniel keeps pressuring me to be introduced to his family, I came even though I’ve tried, I’ve fucking tried to get rid of the obsessive want that takes over all logic.

  She smiles as she poses for the cameras before cutting her cake. She licks the knife clean, then closes her eyes and let out a breathless moan as she savors the flavor.

  I blend myself with Daniel’s country club guys, standing off to the side of the kitchen. I could stand here and just watch her all night.

  One of her friends pulls her away to her presents, so she plop down on a chair and excitedly squeals at every gift that is handed to her as she thanks everyone for her gifts.

  After her presents are opened, the party moves on to dancing and drinking out in the backyard. Daniel says it’s a party and everyone should celebrate, regardless of age.

  She’s the first one on the dance floor, moving slowly as she seductively rubs her hands up and down her body. She gestures with her finger for her friends to join her. They do, including the guys, and an animalistic jealousy stirs up in my body, I want nothing more than to get on the dance floor and haul her away like a caveman.

  What is she doing to me?

  I turn around and walk back into the house before I do something stupid. Her dad stops me in the family room.

  “Can we talk?” he asks.

  I follow him into his office and he shuts the door. I eye him warily before taking a seat.

  “I don’t like what you’re doing, and I don’t understand it at all,” he tells me.

  Shit. Did he see me watching his daughter the way I did?

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, trying to sound uninterested.

  “You’re my family and they’re my family. Why do you not want anything to do with them?”

  Not this family shit again.

  “Yes, exactly. They’re your family, not mine.” I exhale deeply, relieved he’s not talking about his daughter.

  “Look, let me introduce you to them. They’ll get to know you, you’ll get to know them and we go from there. I would really like to start having you over for family dinners, and maybe you can vacation with us or you can come with me to the country club.” He sighs. “I just want you around more.”

  Why can’the understand that the family I want doesn’t want me? My own Goddamn family. And what if his family rejects me the way mine did?

  I’d rather not find out.

  “Daniel, this has been beaten to death. I don’t care to get to know your family, so let’s just leave it at that.”

  He massages the back of his neck before he speaks to me. “You’re going to the country club with me tomorrow. I’ll introduce you to my fellows and they’ll show you the ropes and get your feet wet.”

  “So you like my idea?” I ask, my mood lifting at once.

  “Yes, son. You’re ambitious and I see greatness coming from you, I’ll help you succeed.”

  “Thank you, Daniel.” I smile.

  “All right, I’ll pick you up bright and early tomorrow. Be ready,” he tells me. “Now go back out there and enjoy yourself.”

  “Thanks, Daniel.” I smile one last time and leave his office.

  I turn to walk down the hall and run right into Angel. We bounce off each other and I move to walk around her, but she grabs me by my arm, stopping me. I freeze like a deer caught in headlights. Her hand feels amazing on my arm.

  “Hey, who are you?” she slurs. “Well, whatever…did you bring me a present?” Her body hunches forward as she tries to steady herself. “Uh-oh, I can’t stand up straight anymore.” She giggles, lifting her head. “You smell really ni
ce. God, I want to bottle up your scent, it’s intoxicating.” She bats her lashes and presses herself onto me.

  Her full breasts rubs against me, and my dick stirs, ready to come out and play. Damn, if she doesn’t stop rubbing herself on me…

  I stop my train of thoughts. She’s still very young. Control yourself, Hawken. I gently pry her fingers off my arm, but she then wraps both her arms around me.

  Fuck.

  “You should step back, baby girl,” I warn.

  “Why?” she says, squeezing me. “I like how you feel.”

  I groan, closing my eyes. “You are stepping into territory you can’t handle.”

  Angel’s hands move to cup my ass, pressing me harder to her, and my erection hits her where she wants it.

  “Mmmm…I can feel you,” she whispers, eyes casting down to a part of my body I’m fucking pissed at. “You’re huge.” Her hand moves to touch me through my jeans.

  I grab her wrist. Think about sad puppies, Hawken.

  I nudge her to the side. She pouts and tries to come after me again, but I slip out of her grasp and walk the hell out the house.

  The next day…

  The air around the country club is suffocating. I’ve been tugging at my collar over and over again. I need to get out of here. I excuse myself from the circle of men drinking scotch and talking business as they sit around the fireplace.

  Daniel follows me.

  “Here.” He thrusts his scotch toward me when we are both standing outside on the balcony, and I down the malt liquor, letting it take its full effect of my body.

  He takes out a cigar from the front pocket of his shirt, lights it, and then hands it to me. I willingly reach out and grasp it with my fingers, bringing the cancerous stick to my lips. I suck, inhaling the tobacco slowly and exhaling slower.

  I feel my nerves calming.

  “What’s going on?” Daniel finally asks.

  “I’m afraid of failing,” I answer honestly, not able to meet his eyes.

  “And are you going to let that stop you from pursuing what you came out here to do?”

  I take another puff of the cigar, pondering his question. A moment ago, I was ready to give up, but now, I feel a surge of energy. The fear is still there, lurking around, ready to strike and cripple me.

  “I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head.

  “You know, when I was your age, my mindset was nowhere near what yours is. I’m lucky to be standing here, able to provide you the future you’re fighting so damn hard for.” He looks toward the golf course before turning back to me. “Let the fear you have, be the push you need to fight harder for what you want.”

  I lean forward, resting my elbows on the cast iron railing. “When did you have that moment…that moment when you realized that you needed to change?”

  “When Angel was born. She wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger and that was it, I was done for. I needed to change for her, to give her the best life possible.”

  Having him declare what I already understood and accepted, hurts more than I thought it would. I’m always last. I’m not a child who will ever be good enough to be cared for first.

  But can I blame him?

  As if he can see what I’m thinking through my eyes, he grips my shoulder, bringing me back.

  “I’m sorry for not being there for you. I fought your mom for you relentlessly, but nothing worked. I had no rights because we aren’t biologically related, but you’re here now and I can finally do what I should have done for you.”

  The past always have a way of rearing its ugly head. Daniel was the cause of my mother’s broken heart, and while she nursed away her pain, I was left to fend for myself. I should have been angry for what she did to me, but seeing her go through the stages of grief over losing him…well, I just couldn’t blame her. Instead, I understood.

  “Why did you leave her?” I choke out.

  Daniel’s head slightly tilts back, surprised by my question, and his hand drops from my shoulder.

  “Why, Daniel?” I press.

  “She broke my heart and I didn’t get over it. I couldn’t. I tried, but the longer I stayed, the more I resented her.” He closes his eyes. “I was miserable, she was miserable, and I couldn’t do it anymore…” He opens his eyes; they are now rimmed red.

  I turn away giving him a moment to compose himself. “I didn’t mean to take you back to the past…back to the pain.” I turn to face him again.

  “It’s okay son. The pain is always there. Your mom will always be on my mind. I loved her...I still do.”

  “Why is love so complicated?” I ask with a smile to lighten the mood.

  “It shouldn’t be,” he says seriously. “Love shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t. I don’t want you to hurt over love the way I have.”

  “Love shouldn’t hurt,” I repeat slowly.

  One of the guys from our group walks out to join us. “Hey, are you done being a bitch? We’ve all got family to go back to.”

  “He’s done,” Daniel answers, winking at me.

  “Then let’s get back inside before I change my mind about him and before the others do too.”

  We all head back inside and they set up a meeting for me with the top real estate agents in the city.

  Two weeks later…

  I’m walking out of the elevator to my meeting when I spot Angel walking towards me. Her head is down, eyes on her phone, texting. My mind fizzles as it takes in the sight of her, and my body stops functioning. I stand stupidly and stare at her as she runs right into me, knocking herself back.

  “Hey! Are you going to say you’re sorry?” She glares with fury.

  She doesn’t remember me.

  I swallow the lump in my throat. Of course not, she was drunk.

  “You bumped into me,” I say flatly.

  “No, I didn’t. You saw my head down and texting and you didn’t move out of my way!” she exclaims.

  “I wasn’t looking, just like you weren’t looking,” I taunt her, smiling.

  She narrows her eyes. “You know what? I don’t have time for this. Next time you see me, don’t just stand there. Move around me, asshole.” She stalks off.

  I chuckle after her. I shouldn’t have taunted her, but she was being a brat. I turn and walk the other direction to my meeting.

  An hour later I walk onto the sidewalk feeling joyful and hopeful. They want to invest in me, little old me from Minnesota. My grin is palpable as I walk with my gaze to the sky. Not looking to see where I’m going, my body bumps into a person. It wasn’t hard, but she falls back, landing on her ass. I try not to laugh as I extend my hand out to her, but she slaps it away and stands up without assistance.

  “This one is entirely my fault,” I admit, trying not to break into a grin.

  She’s furious and pouting at the same time. So damn adorable.

  I wait for her to tell me off again, but she tucks her hair behind her ear and leaves, walking back into her dad’s building. I move to follow her, but my phone rings, so I pull the device from my pants pocket and stare at the screen.

  Natalie.

  “Hey,” I breathe into the phone.

  I hear Nat sobbing into the phone.

  “What’s wrong?” I sigh.

  The line goes dead. I stare at my phone waiting for her to call me back, but she doesn’t. I put my phone back into my pocket and close my eyes. I miss my family, but I miss Nat the most. Loneliness doesn’t get better with time, it gets worst. It swallows me whole day after day, but I’m fighting back, clawing my way out of the hole.

  Exhausted.

  Today the exhaustion is more intense and I can feel myself becoming unhinged, ready to do something reckless.

  And Natalie’s phone call is not helping…

  My legs start to move towards my car. I feel as if I’m no longer in my body, unable to stop what’s happening as I get into my car and drive until I’m parked in front of a tattoo parlor. I’ve never gotten a tattoo before, and I don’t even
know if I favor them, but I desperately need physical pain to dull out the pain in my heart, numbing it until my loneliness strikes again.

  And right now, a needle cutting into my skin is all I can think about.

  I cut my engine and leave my car, stalking into the shop. My craving for physical pain intensifies when I see a man’s blood being wiped away by the artist.

  I smile. Yes, this is what I need.

  “Hey, man, what can I help you with?” the guy standing at the counter asks. He’s covered in art from his neck down to his fingers.

  “I need a tattoo.”

  He studies me for a beat. “What’cha thinking of getting? And will this be your first time?”

  “Yes, it is. Can I look through your design book?”

  “Sure.” He slides a black binder to me. “Have at it.”

  I take a seat and flip through the pages, nothing catching my interest. I start to feel restless and frustrated.

  “Hey, those are just examples. You don’t need to pick any of them.” The guy comes around the counter and leans his hip against it, crossing his arms over his chest. “So…what made you want a tattoo today?”

  “My sister,” I answer honestly.

  “So tell me about her.”

  This is none of his business, but I find myself opening up. Fuck, maybe I just needed someone to talk to.

  “I…she needs me right now and I can’t be there for her.” I hang my head.

  “Do you want to get something that reminds you of her?”

  “No, I don’t. Because all, she likes is anything purple and black…and owls.” I laugh.

  “I like that. What about an owl? I can mix in some purple and black around the feathers,” The guy smiles. “And think about what else you want to add, maybe a symbol of how you are feeling.”

  What I’m feeling is a lack of time. Time needed to get my life in order.

  “A clock. I want the owl to hold a clock.”

  I lift my head and smile. Nat will wait for me. The clock will symbolize her giving me time. I just hope she can.

  “Okay, let’s get you started.”