Always at First Read online

  “Oh my God,” she whispers.

  The sight of her losing herself to my touch makes me want nothing more than to give her what she wants right now. Everything about her is so damn sensual and soft. I can lose myself in her…

  And I’ll never want to find my way out.

  “Angel…” I say her name softly.

  “Yes?” she breathes.

  “Promise me you’ll stop taking the pills,” I command gently.

  Say it. Say you’ll stop taking them and I can become yours.

  “I don’t know if I can…”

  I hear the pain in her words and a lump forms in my throat, ready to choke me. My head falls back, and my hands come off her face, dropping to the side of her.

  “I can’t be with someone who uses drugs,” I whisper sadly.

  “It’s not drugs,” she says with a hint of annoyance.

  Fuck, her mind, is warped. “And what do you think it is?”

  “They’re not drugs,” she repeats. “They’re not.”

  She moves to leave my lap, but I clamp down on her waist with my hands. “Why are you trying to convince yourself, that they’re not?” I say through my teeth.

  She sighs deeply. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “Fine, I’ll take you back to the hotel.” I lift her body off of me and move her back to her seat as I fight off the anger boiling inside of me.

  “No, please don’t take me back there,” she pleas, her eyes filled with panic.

  “I can’t have someone addicted—”

  “I’m not addicted!” she screams and stops to take a breath before she continues. “If you could see how my life is…you’d understand.”

  “Then show me,” I beg.

  She doesn’t say anything but stares into my eyes instead. She wants me to see the sorrow and desperation she’s been carrying for so long.

  I see it all.

  “C’mere.” I bring her body back to mine. “I’ll help you not need it anymore,” I promise.

  She laughs sadly and softly, then rests her head on my shoulder. “How can this be? I feel drawn to you in a way that’s unbelievable and dangerous.” She buries her face deeper into my neck and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “You were my first kiss,” she whispers, sending shivers down my back. I feel my body stirring, waking up, wanting her. I shift her onto my thigh to keep her from feeling me, and she shifts herself back.

  “Kiss me,” she breathes.

  I lift her to straddle me again, taking her face in my hands again, and I kiss her. She rubs against me, feeling every inch of me, and fuck, I feel all of her too.

  My hands leave her face, groping and grabbing down her body to her ass. I feel myself losing control, wanting nothing more than to slip myself into her, branding her, making her mine. I break the kiss before I spiral out of control.

  We stare breathlessly into each other’s eyes, unsure of what to say, what to do. She leans back in and wraps her arms around my shoulder again. I hug her tightly, trying to calm our rapid, beating hearts until we both fall asleep.

  I wake feeling cold and empty.

  Angel’s gone.

  A crippling convulsion washes over me as my heart rips and shreds endlessly. I close my eyes and let exhaustion take over.

  I can’t.

  I’m done.

  Never again.

  How could she just leave like that? I check my pocket for the pills. They’re gone.

  She chose them over me.

  A tear slips down my face as I stare blankly out to the dark night.

  Present

  I slept the rest of the flight home.

  Now we’re all in the kitchen eating and drinking. Ellie is talking non-stop about her preparations for the wedding as I nod and smile. Roman watching me the entire time.

  I excuse myself to use the bathroom and secretly climb up the stairs to the master. I lock the door and pull out my phone from my back pocket. I’m so thankful it didn’t fall out when Roman tossed my jeans.

  I shake my head of that memory.

  I plug in the charger and turn on my phone. I stare in shock, unable to process what I see on my screen. There are fifty missed calls from Kevin¸ one from Lola, twenty from my mom and a couple of voicemails.

  I click the icon for the first voicemail and place a hand over my heart to still my aching chest.

  “Angel…” There’s panic in his voice. “I don’t even know why I’m calling your phone anymore…but when you get back, I’m coming to get you.”

  The voicemail ends and I hit call back without thinking about what I’m doing. My pulse races as I walk back and forth.

  He picks up right away and my heart stops beating. “Angel, where are you?” Pain and panic seep out of his voice.

  “We just got back…” I whisper, my voice neutral, not wanting him to hear the pain I’m going through without him.

  Silence.

  “I’m coming to get you,” he says with urgency.

  This needs to end now. I need to end this as painfully as possible. Hurt him enough for him to want to forget about me and move on.

  He has too.

  There can never be us.

  He will be safe without me in his life.

  But I can never move on.

  “Are you okay?” There’s doubt in his voice. Does he suspect what I’m about to do?

  “I’m in love with Roman. I don’t think I can ever leave him for you.” My voice stays calm and collected.

  I think I’m going to be sick.

  Tears stream down my face and I hold my hand over my mouth, afraid he’ll hear me crying.

  “Is he there with you now?” Kevin’s soft voice breaks me from my grief.

  I sob into the phone.

  “Fuck! I’m on my way,” he growls.

  “No! Don’t. Don’t call me anymore, don’t try to find me. Just forget I ever existed.” I sob harder.

  The pain, God, I ache.

  The doorknob rattles and I yank my phone from my ear, ending the call. I stuff the phone and plug underneath the mattress, wiping my tears as I do so, then fix my hair before scrambling to the door.

  My head hanging forward, I unlock and open the door. Roman barges in.

  “What are you doing with the door locked?”

  “I needed some time alone.”

  “I see,” he says calmly. “How was your phone call?”

  My head snaps up, catching Roman’s dangerous rage. I’m caught.

  I lower myself until I’m on my knees. This is how he wants me—defeated and submissive. “I was ending Kevin,” I whisper to his feet.

  He steps closer, his masculine scent surrounding me, and my breath hitches up a notch. He grips my hair, pulling my head back, then bends to bring his face close to mine. His lips brush across my cheeks to my ear. “I’ve been craving to have you like this, my sweet Angel. There’s so much I want to do to you.”

  I gasp. There’s hunger in his voice; a dark, primal need ready to unleash.

  “Who owns you?” he asks seductively, biting down on my earlobe.

  “You, it’s always been you,” I pant breathlessly.

  “Good girl,” he murmurs, trailing his tongue around my ear, down to my neck and bringing his lips back to my ear. “How should I punish you?”

  My body slacks with fear; not for me, but for Kevin. As my butt lands on my calves, I fall backwards, taking Roman with me. He stands upright quickly, hauling me to my feet. I sway, taking a step back, but he grips my chin and narrows his blazing raven eyes.

  “Don’t hurt him to punish me,” I whisper, staring at his mouth. “Punish me, just me.”

  I see his throat move and the grip he has on my chin tightens. “Enough,” he warns, lifting my chin up until my eyes are lock with his. “Only you will be punished, but if he comes near you, my men will punish him.”

  My eyes widen, and a feeling greater than fear comes over me, shaking my body. I fall, shoving Roman back, and his hand slips a
way from my chin. This time he’s not able to stop my fall. My ankle twists and cracks as I try to break my fall. I land hard, screaming in pain and desperation. My baby…oh God, my baby. My hands frantically roam my stomach as if to comfort my baby from distress.

  Roman rushes over, lifting and carrying me to the bed. I wail, choking and sobbing as he lies me down. His hands move around my body, checking for bruises and broken bones. When he gets to my ankle, he curses, pulling out his phone.

  “I need you here right now,” he orders angrily.

  When he ends the call, his hands are back on me, double checking my body and stopping on my stomach. He touches me gently, almost unsure if he should, but I yank his hand off my stomach. My fingers dig around his wrist.

  “Don’t touch me,” I hiss through my teeth.

  “You pushed me away,” he says with accusation. “You wanted to fall.”

  “What?” I breathe through my hiccups, the tears won’t stop falling. “What are you saying?”

  “Those scars…it was you’re doing,” he tells me, staring at my hand that’s wrapped around his wrist.

  I drop my hand.

  He knows. Of course, he knows. He’s Roman.

  His eyes are cold and dead, and his face hard as stone as he assesses me before he speaks. “I don’t know what you are capable of.”

  Inside of me, I scream words of endless hate to him, but outside I roll over and cry softly. “Get out.”

  He grabs my shoulder and turns me back around again.

  “Roman, is everything okay? The doctor is here.” Ellie’s voice comes from the door.

  “Everything is fine. Send the doctor in and give us a moment. I’ll be back downstairs in a few.”

  “Okay,” she says before I hear her leave and the doctor enters the room. He stands next to Roman.

  “She fell. I want to know if the baby is okay. And check her ankle, it might be sprained,” Roman tells the doctor flatly.

  The doctor feels around my ankle. Each time he presses onto my skin, I cringe, feeling the pain.

  “Carry her to the medical wing. I want to do an x-ray on her ankle and check the baby.” The doctor walks out.

  Roman slides his hands under me and lifts me up, carrying me out the door and down the hall, into a room. As we enter, I look around—the room is filled with medical equipment to perform any exam. My heart fills with fear.

  “Why do you have a hospital in your home?” I choke out.

  “It’s for you,” he answers with no emotion as he lies me down on the exam table.

  “Am I to give birth here?” I ask, dread crawling up my back.

  “Yes,” he answers, locking his gaze on me.

  “Roman—”

  “It’s non-negotiable,” he tells me, his hard set jaw twitching.

  I burst into tears again, sobbing loudly until my body constricts and I start to choke.

  “Angel, stop, please,” Roman pleads, grabbing my both my shoulders. “You’re going to put the baby in distress. Stop.”

  I cling to his arm and will myself to stop crying. He’s right. As my sobs subside, Roman lets me go and the doctor comes into my view. “I’m going to check the baby first. Lift up her dress and cover her with the blanket.”

  Roman covers me with the blanket and lifts up my dress, exposing my stomach. The doctor pushes the ultrasound machine next to me, then he squeezes blue gel onto my stomach. He brings a doppler and slides it around until the gel smears all over.

  I notice my baby’s heartbeat on the screen before he does, and my heart starts to sing happy joyous beats that make me sob again, but this time they’re happy tears. “Is the baby okay?” I whisper.

  “It looks to be, but let me check everything else.”

  I watch the monitor screen without blinking, my eyes drying, no longer wet with my tears. I smile, feeling elated as I watch my baby move.

  Roman grasps my hand and squeezes. I glance up quickly, catching him staring at the monitor too. His face has softened and I feel a pang of warmth.

  “Everything looks good,” the doctor informs us. “I’ll come back in another month and we’ll do another ultrasound.”

  Those words are a balm to my soul. I glance back at Roman and smile. And just like always, I forgive him.

  The doctor gets up and comes back with a crazy tube-like looking x-ray machine and places my ankle into it. Images appear instantly on the monitor.

  “Her ankle isn’t sprained, but I advise to keep her off of it for one week until the swelling goes down.” He takes the machine away and Roman leaves me to walk him out.

  A few minutes pass, then Roman returns and haul my body up to him, wrapping me in his warm, strong body. Words don’t need to be spoken. I know the turmoil he went through; I can feel it in the way he’s holding me.

  He lifts me up and carries me back into the master bedroom, putting me under the covers. “Get some rest, I have to go downstairs and let everyone know, you’re okay.”

  I nod, snuggling deeper under the duvet as sleep takes over. And just like every night…

  I dream of Kevin.

  Past ~ 20 years old

  I slide my arms down his neck to his shoulders and tilt myself backwards to watch him sleep. His chest rises and falls as he snores softly, his handsome features glowing with contentment. I wonder what he’s dreaming of.

  His hand on my hip loses its grip and fall to his side, but I gather it back up, bringing it to my lips for a tender kiss. I hold my breath as his body shifts slightly.

  “Don’t wake up,” I whisper sadly, taking his hand off my lips and placing it on my chest above my heart. “If you do, I won’t be able to let you go.”

  My eyes roam over him, embedding him into my memories until my tears blind me, stopping me. I close my eyes, wishing to the stars above that my story with him won’t end like this.

  “You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of,” I sob quietly. “You’re willing to love me despite my flaws, but I can never love you the way you deserve to be love. I can’t choose only you. Please forgive me…”

  He stirs again, leaving me with the only choice I have to make. I slowly and gently move myself off of him, pausing to take him in again as I sit on the passenger seat.

  “Please forgive me,” I whisper through my tears. I reach over to take the bag from his pocket.

  “Please forgive me,” I whisper once more before slipping out of the car.

  What have I done?

  What have I done?

  What have I done?

  I sob harder as I walk away, gripping the pills with my angry hands and letting them fall to the ground. I can’t leave him.

  “I choose you. Oh God, I choose you.”

  I turn back to his car and my soul crushes into a million pieces. I watch his car disappear into the distance, taking the love I thought I didn’t deserve away from me forever.

  What have I done?

  “Please come back…” I plead softly. “Please come back.”

  I ignore the car that pulls up to the curb. I hear a door slam and them an arm wraps around my shoulder. My scream dies in my throat as a familiar voice says my name. “Angel, what are you doing here on the street all by yourself?”

  I turn to find my dad staring at me sadly. I shake my head slowly and let the tears fall.

  “Let’s get you home, baby girl.”

  He delicately places me in the car, then gets in the driver seat and drives away. As always, he doesn’t question my actions.

  I wish he would.

  For the rest of the ride home, I stare out the window mindlessly. When he parks the car in the garage, I get out and wait for him to demand I tell him about my life.

  He doesn’t.

  I’ve had enough.

  “Dad!” I yell after him.

  He turns back around, looking exhausted.

  “Why don’t you care?” I whisper.

  “What are you talking about?” he asks.

  “Never mind,” I tell hi
m, feeling childish.

  He cares.

  Of course, he cares.

  I walk away to my room, leaving my dad to stare after me.

  I wake to the morning sunrise, so bright and cheery, promising this day will be better than the last. I squint and roll over. Promises are always meant to be broken. The tears I was fighting endlessly the night before spill over and stream down my face. I stare with blurry eyes at my plain white ceiling, and wish I could take back what I’ve done.

  I want him.

  Just him.

  Lauren bursts into my room without knocking. She never knocks.

  “Angel!”

  I bury my face under the covers and wipe my tears away. “What do you want?” I mumble against the sheet.

  She yanks the covers off, then stares at me with her accusing eyes before she puts me down. “Why are you such a slut?”

  That was a statement, not a question.

  That last single tear that saved itself for Lauren’s hurtful words trickles down my face. Ignoring her, I throw the covers all the way off my body and sit up.

  She follows me as I stand and walk into my bathroom. “You know, I still don’t understand why you get a bathroom in your room and I have to share it with DJ. He’s a dirty boy and so gross.”

  I turn back around and walk to the toilet, closing the door of the tiny room. “Mom is so mad at you. She didn’t appreciate that Dad was out looking for you all night. She said she wanted her husband home, not off looking for an ungrateful daughter.”

  I sit and finish my business, staying put long after I’m done. A few more minutes pass, but all I hear is silence, so I wipe, then stand and open the door slower. I peek my head out to an empty bathroom. She’s gone.

  I walk over to the sink and finish up my morning routine. After I’m showered and dressed, I double check my outfit in the mirror— jean shorts and a pink off the shoulder sweater. I love living by the beach in California; the summer weather never ends, even in December.

  I look in the hall to see if Lauren is lurking around before making my way downstairs. When I get to the kitchen, my family, minus my dad, is already finished breakfast and headed to their many family outings that I don’t get invited to. I smile, but the only one who returns the gesture is DJ, my sweet brother.