Always at First Read online

  I approach my mom cautiously. “Mom?”

  “What?” she snaps, her eyes burning with fury and resentment.

  “Never mind,” I stammer, leaving the kitchen in a rush.

  I climb up the stairs back to my room, grabbing my purse and digging for my phone. I press the speed dial for my dad’s number, and he picks up on the first ring.

  “Hey, what ya doing? Is everything okay at home?”

  “It’s okay…Dad, did you introduce your adoptive son to the family last night?”

  Dad’s past always renders Mom emotionally unavailable. She becomes cold and distant, hurtful and mean, wishing I was never born. I’ve heard those words come out of her mouth so many times that I’ve become numb, but last night was one of the worst episodes.

  I found her crying in the ladies’ room, and when I tried to comfort her, she pushed me away and slapped me hard across the face. The pain I could take, but her words broke me, tearing off a piece of my heart. “You were made to make your dad love me, but you are useless. Always useless.”

  I shake off the memory when I hear my dad answer. “No.”

  “Where are you?” I ask, not wanting to know the answer at all. He’s rarely home these days, and the thought of him having a mistress always crosses my mind. I don’t know what I would do if I caught him with another woman.

  “At the country club with my real estate guys.”

  I gasp. What if he’s there?

  “Dad, the guy you saw me sitting with at our table…is he there?”

  Silence.

  I pull the phone from my ear to check if the call got disconnected. Nope, still connected. “Dad?”

  “Baby girl, did he tell you who he is?” he finally responds.

  “Yes, he said he works at your firm.”

  “I see. Yes, he’s here. Why are you asking?”

  “I wanted to see him again. He seems like a nice guy.”

  Silence again. This time it’s a long pause.

  “Dad?”

  “Angel, we’re almost done here. I’ll see you at home,” he says, rushing me off the phone.

  “Wait, Dad, please. I can get there before you guys are done with your game.”

  “We’re ending it now, I’ll see you at home. I have to go.” He ends the call.

  I shove my phone back into my purse and grab my car keys. My dad is keeping me away. But why? I leave the house and drive over to the country club. I pull my car into the parking space next to my dad’s car and get out. I glance to my right and sure enough, over the white picket fence is my dad and the guys still playing golf.

  Why did he lie to me?

  I watch them for a moment, searching for the man I’m here to see, but my hope plummets, he’s not with them. I hang my head, unsure of what to do. Should I go in and see if he’s inside? If he’s not, I’m just going to crush my heart further into pieces. I don’t think I can take the realization that he’s not here and I’m losing another chance.

  Footsteps approach me and I glance up, unable to move as I watch them lean into each other, their lips inching closer and closer together. I cry out as my already fragile heart shatters inside of me. My hand clasp onto my chest in an attempt to dull my pain and I stumble back to my car, needing to get away before he can reach me.

  “Angel!” he calls out, running to me.

  I hate him for knowing my name, and I hate myself for me not knowing his.

  I push the unlock button on my car key, shaking and struggling with the door handle, but the key falls out of my hand. Before I can pick it up, he’s standing next to me, all muscles and shuddering breaths.

  “What are you doing here?” he rasps, his hand gingerly wrapping around my arm to turn me towards him.

  I pause to control my breathing and calm my nerves, my body humming from his presence. I close my eyes, forcing down my need to lean into him, to let him prove to me that what I just witnessed was all an illusion.

  But the pain in my chest is real.

  And I’m hurting beyond repair.

  I bend down to pick my keys back up, his hand not leaving my arm as I open my door. I turn slightly, catching a glimpse of the girl he was kissing standing near my car. She’s all sex and red hair,

  I turn away quickly.

  “Who is she?” I ask, staring at my dull and plain reflection in my car window.

  “You left me,” he whispers, pain in his voice.

  I fight off my need to collapse into his arms and ask for forgiveness. “Who is she?” I urge.

  “A friend,” he sighs.

  “A friend?” The girl gasps and inches towards us. The way she’s responding to his answer is enough for me to figure out that she’s more than just a friend. I shrug out of his hold and shove him away from me, surprising him. I hastily get into my car, but he moves to grasp me again, gripping the top of the door, preventing me from closing it.

  “You’re leaving again?” His hazel eyes bore into mine, and I see his heart break as he notices the determination on my face. I need to leave, and he can’t stop me.

  He drops his hand from the door. The intangible, rawness of the rejection he’s feeling is like a loose electrical wire gone crazy—fusing and flapping around, ready to light and burn. His chest rise and fall as he searches my face for answers, but all he’s seeing is a scared girl afraid to be loved.

  And when things get tough, all I know is how to run away.

  He slams both palms onto the roof of my car, making me flinch, then he leans in, pressing our foreheads together as we both try to catch our breath. He closes his eyes and inhale deeply, and when he opens them again, they’re pooled with tears.

  “Don’t you see that I don’t want anyone else, but you?” he breathes. “Everyone else is just to fill the void you’ve left. You’re all I dream about. Let me show you how much I can love you because I don’t think I can live without you.”

  He closes his eyes again, and a single tear falls down his cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb, caressing his skin along the way. When I move to drop my hand, he catches it, holding it tightly in his grip.

  “Don’t leave,” he whispers against my hand.

  “I—” I want to profess what’s in my heart, but a voice breaks from behind him, taking my chance.

  “What’s going on here?” my dad asks.

  His body stiffens as he lets go of my hand, dropping it back to my lap. Confusion takes over my mind and I’m left feeling unsure of what’s going on.

  He leaves me and turns around to meet my dad, then they walk away. I glance around to look for the girl who was with him, but she’s gone too.

  I get out of my car and walk towards the two men who mean the most to me in this world. My breath hitches in my throat as I watch their body language and an uneasiness consumes me. My dad has forbidden me from dating any of the guys who work for him, and I agreed willingly. What were the chances of me falling for one of them? And now here we are, having to explain to my dad why we belong with each other.

  “This will not go on,” my dad growls. “Respect me enough to do what I’m asking of you. Leave now.”

  My guy’s angry face drops and he turns, catching my bewildered one. “Don’t go,” I mouth. He shakes his head and walks in the opposite direction, away from me, taking my soul with him.

  Empty.

  Nonexistent.

  When he gets in his car and drives off, I feel the rip in my chest as my heart tears out of my body.

  I turn and run towards my car, needing to get away from the hurt. I get in, and lock the door before opening my glove compartment. The bottle of pills hits me with a sense of peace and the promise of faraway pain. I take out the bottle, pop the lid and shake out two pills—enough for me to forget the last two days ever existed.

  With shaky hands, I put both pills in my mouth and swallow. I push the key into the ignition and reverse. My eyes cut to my dad who hasn’t moved. I look away and peel out, not letting myself feel remorseful. I head to the beach to wait
out my high.

  To wait for my short term memory to erase itself.

  Present

  I wake to the sound of Roman’s soft humming voice…the sweet talk I’ve been longing for…the whispers of promises…my heart should be humming right along to the beat of his voice. Instead, the tears flow, falling onto the bed.

  He’s in the armchair, talking on the phone and dressed for work in his dark-navy, three piece pinstripe suit. He’s every bit the dangerous, ruthless CEO as he sits there, demanding power.

  He ends the call without saying goodbye.

  “Who was that?” I ask innocently, not wanting him to know I overheard his conversation.

  “A business deal,” he answers, stalking toward me.

  “Was she a woman?” I cut my eyes to him.

  “Yes,” he murmurs, narrowing his eyes.

  An ache forms in my chest. “Are you trying to seduce her into this business deal?”

  “Yes.” No emotion; just a dead word without meaning.

  I know the answer to the question I’m about to ask, but I want to hear it from him. “She is one of the ones you’ve slept with recently?”

  “Angel, look at me,” he commands. I glance up and catch a twitch at the corner of his mouth. He’s trying to hide his smile. “I was talking to your mother.”

  The breath I took lodges in my throat, choking me. My hand moves to my chest to still my erratically beating heart.

  “You have something your mother wants back.”

  My eyes widen, and the blood in my veins starts to cool. I’m scared.

  “I’m taking care of it.” He bends down to kiss my forehead lovingly, then straightens back up. “You should get ready for school. Are you still wanting to finish up the semester?”

  I brush off all thoughts of my mom. I’ll deal with that later. “Yes, I forgot it’s already time to go back.” I climb off the bed slowly and gently to test out my ankle, but the swelling has gone down.

  I walk past Roman and into the walk-in closet, feeling his eyes on me the whole way over. As I turn to pick out my clothes, he’s right beside me again.

  “We’re going to California when your semester ends, to visit your family,” he murmurs, brushing my hair out of my face.

  Dread.

  “Your mother wants to meet me. I need to know. I need to understand the actions she’s taken.” Roman pauses and kisses the curve of my neck lightly before speaking again. “Remember our agreement about your classes. I’ll see you at home after school.” He walks away.

  I run out of the closet to the toilet.

  And throw up.

  My body slumps to the gray marble tile. I lie there, hugging my knees to my chest and closing my eyes, forcing myself not to look at my scars on my hand.

  I stay unmoving, letting time fly by until hunger pains force through my mental breakdown. I push all thoughts of my mother down again before standing up and walking to the sink. Without looking at myself in the mirror, I brush my teeth and comb my hair, letting the waves of dark-brown locks cover my face as much as possible. I leave the bathroom without putting on any makeup and numbly walk back to the closet. I quickly change into my black skinny jeans and as I pull my dark-navy sweater over my body, my engagement ring gets caught in one of the threads. I slip the ring off my finger and unknot it from the sweater, then stare unblinking at Roman’s reminder for me; a reminder of who I belong to. I shake my head and stuff the ring into my front pocket before I leave the safe haven of the master bedroom to head down to the kitchen.

  Vinny greets me with a fork full of food again. He slides my plate toward me as I take a seat on the bar stool. I eat the eggs, sausages and hash browns without pausing as Vinny looks at me with fascination.

  “Ready?” I ask as I gulp down my orange juice.

  “Yep, let’s go.” Vinny moves his big burly body off the stool and walks to the front door.

  I follow right behind him, my hand protectively on my stomach all the way to the escalade. The door is open and ready for me, so I climb in and notice my backpack already on the seat. I lean back and close my eyes until I feel the big vehicle slow into park. Vinny opens my door, then lends me his hand to help me out. A rush of freedom attacks my senses and I can’t help but smile as my feet lands on the ground beside the SUV. A full day of normalcy teases me as I look to the sea of students walking towards their destination.

  And Snow.

  Oh my God, there’s snow everywhere!

  “Thank you, Vinny,” I say as he lets go of my hand. I smother down the events of this morning as I smile and walk towards the science building.

  “Angel!” a familiar voice calls out.

  I stop dead in my tracks and squeal. “Lola!”

  She comes rushing and we collide into each other with a hug. “I miss you!”

  “I miss you too.” I grin.

  “Life at the house is not the same without you.” She sighs. “A new girl moved into your room. That bitch Aubrey moved the new girl in without letting anyone know.”

  “I’m sorry,” I pout with her as we start to walk to the science building. “I wish I could move back in.”

  “Mr. Controlling will have none of that.” She laughs bitterly, digging into her knapsack. “Let’s go to the cafeteria. I need a can of pop really bad. Do you want one?”

  “I do, but I can’t.” I sigh deeply. “I need to get to my classes and get things situated.”

  “Situated with what?” she asks, scrunching up her face.

  “My schedule,” I answer vaguely, hoping she’ll leave it at that.

  She doesn’t.

  “Why?”

  We’re now standing by the door of the science building, and I can’t help but look around for him. My eyes frantically search the area around us until my gaze lands on Andres in a black parka, black beanie and dark-blue jeans. A man in a plain white sweater and light blue jeans sits next to him on a stone bench. Both have their eyes locked on me.

  Lola glances to where my attention has gone. “You know those guys?”

  “Yes, they belong to Roman,” I whisper softly.

  “Oh my God…what the fuck?” Lola gasp. “Your man is crazy. Who does shit like this?” She tosses her hand up in the air towards Andres.

  “I have to go, Lola,” I say, changing the subject and turning around to open the door.

  She grabs my arm, stopping me. I turn back around. “You don’t have to take his shit. You do know that, right?”

  “It’s complicated,” I say quietly, unable to meet her eyes. She’ll see right through me.

  “I’m going to leave it for now because I can see you’re going through a lot, but I really want to shake you and tell you how dumb you’re being.”

  Blunt.

  Caring.

  Mean.

  All at once.

  I nod, and she lets go of my arm and walk away, flipping off Andres as she past them. Andres turns and stares after her. His partner nudges him, telling him something before they both turn back to me.

  I sigh as I pull open the door and walk into the building. Nostalgia washes over me as I start to walk down the hall.

  “Angel?” A surprised and sad whisper floats to me from behind.

  That voice. I’ve been dreaming endlessly about the man who belongs to that voice; his timbre is solace to the empty existence I now possess. The ache in my heart deepens. If Andres sees me talking to him, will they hurt him?

  I force my legs to move faster down the hall. Every step feels laden, my feet dragging me to the door of my classroom.

  Fingers grip my arm and haul me to a stop before I can make my escape.

  “If you think I’m just going to let you walk away from me…” he growls, his words trailing off.

  I feel myself shoved away from the door and his body envelopes mine, crushing me to him, my back to his front. I’m hyperaware of how great he feels against me. His arms are around me, one hand underneath my breasts, the other gripping my chin, turning my head s
o I can meet his blazing hazel eyes – the green shining bright. I inhale deeply, branding his intoxicating scent in me. I don’t ever want to forget him.

  “What the fuck is going on, Angel?” he growls; the harshness of his words does not match the soft tone spilling out of his beautiful mouth. “Why are you running away from me?”

  “I’m staying with him,” I say, choking back a sob. “I’ve realized I love him and I don’t want you anymore.”

  Kevin’s face twists up in pain as if I’ve just stabbed a knife through his heart. He throws his head back and closes his eyes, his arms tightening around me uncomfortably. There’s not a nice way around the inevitable. I have to just pull off the Band-Aid and hurt him now. I can never be his.

  “I’m leaving to go back to him after the day ends.” I twist the knife a little deeper, watching for his reaction the whole time.

  “Over my fucking dead body,” he says low and adamantly. “I’m not letting you go back to that motherfucker.” The last of his words echo loudly enough for the lingering students to hear. He’s holding me in a crazy way, a way that causes people to stop and eye us suspiciously, so I break free from his hold, not wanting to bring more attention to us.

  I stand directly in front of him not meeting his hard penetrating gaze. “Look at me,’ he commands gently, lifting my chin up with his index finger.

  My resolve breaks into a million pieces. Who am I kidding? I’m not strong enough to just leave him again, even though I could get him killed by not doing so.

  A tear slips down my cheek and falls onto his hand. Kevin curses and crushes our bodies together again. I claw and cling to him with as much force as he’s giving me. Not feeling close enough, I cry out in sorrow. I need to drown in him.

  I bury my head into his chest, clenching his black leather jacket with my fists. I let his warmth promise me possibilities of endless happily ever after. I love this man so much. A fire burns up my body and settles on my heart. I will burn forever for him.

  I let go of his jacket and snake my arms around him, pulling him in tighter. I want to give him back what he’s given me—a love deep enough to cure our broken souls. He saved me all those years ago and he’s still saving me, saving me from my destructive self.